i have a feeling..

and that feeling is well ouch!! i am now the proud owner of a box cut on my pointer finger. In the exact spot that i happen to type with! New boxes are mean! Okay that really isn't what i wanna write about. And i re read my last post and realized people kinda suck and that seems to be my topic again. So bear(no pun intended) with me. And I'm pretty sure somebody, somewhere reading this may be able to relate. Have you ever noticed how some people seriously get all the breaks? I mean karma is their best friend!?Even when something bad happens they still end up good. Now I'm not saying i haven't been fortunate. Id like to think someday my hard work will pay off and i believe it will. I also think it wont happen over night and that's the part that doesn't make sense. Why does it take time for me and some people boom over night success. Not neccesarly money or fame but breaks. I know plenty of people who have poof up and quit the job they were at just because. Yeah no reason. But..they land on their foot while holding the drink they have in their hand. Not spilling a single drop! I love my job and have no plans of going anywhere. (even at 118 am my phone goes off) Its a good job close to home and i enjoy it. I have a plan and hopefully it'll play out how i hope. But in order for that I'm gonna have to play by the rules.
  Meanwhile Mr horseshoe hasn't a care nor worry in the world because he seemingly is carefree. Maybe hes just really good at covering it up. I mean come on can anybody really be that lucky? Or have the breaks continue to fall into place for him? Most of the time i wear my heart on my sleeve. Defiantly a bad thing. Especially when i have alot of worries roaming freely in my head, Makes for a long day. Meanwhile Mr. horsehoe just got a new car. while being jobless. Maybe unemployment is paying better than i thought these days, Nope still not interested. I still wanna work for all my stuff. I really wanna believe that the hard work will pay off. It will right?? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Or not working hard enough. I know i want it bad enough.Perhaps the horseshoe people in this world figured it out faster and i wouldn't doubt that. I have to find things out the hard way most of the time. And attempt to learn how to be better and not repeat my history. Maybe my break is coming soon. Maybe its already here in the form of my job. A blessing that i received almost 5 years ago. Like a foundation set in place and I'm building up towards it. Yeah i like that. I just found the light right here in front of all of you. The foundation has been set and everyday I'm working towards that goal and many others. Maybe what I've failed to see and realize is i am Mr. horseshoe. Despite many let downs and misfornate events through all the hard ships i have already started a foundation. so here's to the next step to fulfilling my destiny of the next Mr horseshoe!! Salute!

* disclaimer there isn't really a Mr horseshoe. in this blog he is a fictitious character straight outta my mind. Although some people really do have all the luck. Thanks for reading another note from the Bears den

Maybe

Maybe someday ill get what i want. Maybe someday ill be happy. Maybe someday youll see me in the light i truly stand in. See that im not perfect nor do i pretend to be. That's the thing this is me. No pretending. Maybe someday when you relize it youll come back. And maybe someday i will get the one thing i want. Thought i was close so close. But still too far outta reach. I sit here and you catch up with me. I still havent out ran these memories we created. Maybe someday i will. I just wanna belong. Completely belong. Maybe someday this will happen. Until then ill keep hoping for my someday....

Break...

Sometimes people just need a break. An escape. From whatever it maybe. Not fir any bad reason just because its needed. I almost think I'm at that point. I'm fatigued. All I do anymore is think over and over. I don't even know. I just want to get away. Just go where I can be free of this area. Just to catch my breath. And I dint really know why. Work isn't a grind in fact were slow so gonna be flue all year unless a miracle happens. I don't know if it's possible but o may have overloaded myself mentally. Physically I feel alright watched maybe I just need a change. Something different a new distracting in life

Ill go out quietly no last stand no scream no whimper. Just fade away in time like all the things do. Eventually not even memories will linger. Ill be like the wind and just pass through in a moment of time.not leaving my mark it any evidence or acknowledgements of thus existence. Because apparently I dint. And haven't. Never will. I will however always walk with the lingering existence of you.

Ever..

You ever look at your life and say what the hell am I doin? Why am I still in the same spot seemingly as I was 10 years ago. I finally found the most amazing girl in the world and yet I still have to wait. And the way my past goes she will leave too like all the others. Maybe she will be the one that really means it. Right now I'm getting so many mixed signals that it's making my head spin every single direction. But I know if we stand a chance she needs to figure "things" out. Meanwhile I try and act okay but wearing my heart on my sleeve prevents that from happening. This is stupid but I really wish I could go back in time. People say just start now but its hard because my last haunts me every day. I don't know why. Its like my demons just have a grip in my ankle and they no matter how hard I kick them and how fast I run they always catch me. I wonder why I don't have a wife and kids and "that life" it seems to easy to be able to accept this as my destiny. I believe everything happens for a reason but these reasons ill prolly never know or understand. I need a hobby but hell I don't even know where to start or to even look. My passion is sports but I don't know where to find others. Krystal has crafts which looks really interesting but I wouldn't know where to start or if I'd stick with it. I'd like to join a gym but I'm not sure I'd stay motivated enough or if it'd just become a routine.

Insecurr

Ibgurss when it cones right down to it I'm insecure. Have a complex that I'm not good enough. No matter how great I say I am. I don't believe it. Seemingly everytime I think I'm heading towards my happiness. Finally gonna be happy and havecthe life I so covent it gets screwed up. To hear the words I just need time is like a knife to my heart even though I know you need it. I've heard it before and well needing time leads me to being alone. I'm scared to lose you because how amazing you make me feel. Nobody has ever made me feel this way so hell yeah I'm scared. I should be right? Who wouldn't be? I don't wanna be alone. I hate being alone its all ice known and its a fear that I will end up alone. Kinda stupid I suppose but its real for me. I guess I'm scared to say out loud what my mind us thinking fircfear of making it real. Like if I don't say it. It won't happen. I know its been about 2 months but in these 2 months I've never experienced the happiness that I have with you!

Things

Why do teams wear green jerseys on St. Patty's day? I mean they are ugly as hell! Why don't they wear orange on Halloween? Or brown on Thanksgiving. Red white and blue on the 4th. Maybe I'm just in a rather foul mood. This is all because the Bulls game is on and they are wearing green jerseys. Reminds me of the Celtics. Jeez I don't think the Bulls have scored since I started watching...okay there we go. 81-77 Bulls up on the 76ers. Sometimes I wonder why people don't ask if I'm okay. Just knowing they care would be nice. Metallica ringtone just notified me the sabres lost. In a shootout. 3-2. Ugh! Shit bothers me. Shaking my damn head :(