How is someone suppose to maintain a happy positive outlook on life with so much negativity all around? It seems that's all anyone ever talks about. The news is talking about drugs and a murder. Weather related disasters. Very few positive stories for people to hear about. Maybe we are all doomed to suffer. Theres more to life than pain and suffering isn't there? More to it than hurt. Wheres the joy? Where are the happy stories? Its no wonder everybody is depressed and on meds for various reasons. What happen to the fairy tales? Happily ever after has become depressed over and over again.
It really is bothersome to think about it. How can we make changes for the better? If not for everybody then just for ourselves. I mean that's what it is all about right? Ourselves. What we can get out of my situatimome whats in it for me? Don't get me wrong, I'm not running around all smiles all day long but I'm also not expecting anybody to feel bad for me. I don't look for any sympathy. How can we take all the negative and turn it positive? There has to be a place to start. Maybe its something small like a "thank you" or even something as simple as a smile. I know that concept for some people is difficult. Maybe people make their lives difficult on purpose. They just walk around looking at everything in the negative light. No matter what the situation they find something wrong with it. I cant stand a pity party especially when people are doing absolutely nothing to try and change the situation for the better. Instead they just sit around mopping about how bad it is. Like seriously? Do something about it! Maybe its easier said than done but i bet its easier once you take that first step towards making a change.
I apologize i think this is turning into a rant post. I also cant stand fake ass people! I'm so tired of people playing nice. Its all an act especially when i see it and call it bullshit! Then guess what everyone else sees i was right. Just remember you are only as fake as your lies and the persona you try and act tough behind. Like seriously it really pisses me off when i know who you really are and then you try and act shady behind my back and i call it and it happens. Look i get it you wanna fit in that's great but get off my shit! You're not as real as you claim too be. We all know it. I'm not the greatest and i only claim to be when I'm in that mood but I'm real as fuck. What you see is what you get. I tell it the way it is and the way i see it. Don't like it? That's okay I'm not trying to impress anybody. Those who like me like me for me. Am i a prick yeah i can be but hey I've been shit on by alot of people and after you get kicked enough when you are down eventually you get back on your feet and fight back.This isn't me acting tough so please don't start hating this is a rant. I really don't like that fake ass smile you have because i know the truth and you know damn well i do.
Ive been though alot and well as sad as it is i failed to use it as motivation but i didn't use it as my excuses. Did i mess up yeah but i also learned a really important lesson. At the end of the day no matter how many " have my back" they don't. When the sun goes down and I'm here like this moment i have myself. I sit here in this house thinking. I look around all the people are gone and its just me. No I'm not hating on my friends i know who you are and i also know you have lives of your own and that wont change. We all understand things get busy. If something happens that's when we are there for each other but by that time its too late cause it already happened. Maybe I've been hardened by this life. The past events have caused some hard feelings. Not towards anybody in particular they are just there. I want to make a change and i feel the only way for this to happen is to let go of what i have known as the way of my life these past few years. But then again it wouldn't be much different than it is now. Crazy talk i know but i know it would work as it did before. Maybe that's what i have to do the you'll see what i was and what i shall become. I want more than this. I need more than this. I have worked to hard not to get what i deserve. I hear it everyday my soul telling me I'm better than the way i have been so far. I always look towards the horizon, plan for the tomorrows but someday the tomorrows will stop and regardless of what i did or didn't do is irrelevant but if it happens like i feel it will i don't wanna be laying around at the end of this and asking myself "why did you waste this life?" I don't want to lay there and damn myself for just letting life pass like a cool breeze. That's not why I'm here. And im not here busting my ass to give you the easy life!!
I'm not going to cure cancer. Or climb Everest but i do want more than where I'm going. I want my potential to be fulfilled. Maybe this writing is what I'm suppose to do. Not as a job but as a way to get myself out thereim notoking for fame. I'm not content just sitting here anymore. I wish i had some more resources near me. More friends. Less pity parties. More sunshine and less rain clouds. I know better than anybody how hard times are but that shouldn't be the reason or the excuse as to why things are the way they are. I need a plan. I mean i have one i just need to get it in motion. Its no good to me with it just sitting next to me looking for a push. Things take time and time that I've wasted on the past is gone but i have forever to look forward too. I really don't know if this is making sense and seens i don't re read what i write ill never know.
Theres a part of me that i lost. I know where when and even how i lost it, It was the fire that was inside of me. My heart was gone. The desire to be the best. Its slowly coming back and i should have never let myself lose it. I feel it. I feel this in my soul. I'm so hell bent on fixing all of this i swear it'll happen or I'm going to die trying! I want the best i deserve better than being walked on. Deserve better than to be taken for granted and i will make you regret with all your being for walking on me and hurting me. Ill prove all of you wrong. Someday someway i will do this. And if i don't then i fail. No big deal I've failed before and am still here. Don't start taking credit for the change because its not you its the tired feeling of failing. The empty feeling of knowing i shouldn't be in a struggle. Theres no reason its like this. I'm making a change and weither it takes a month a year a decade I'm gonna make this change for the better. Make it for me. For myself for a change. Because i deserve this more than ever. I want this more than ever. If it means putting other things I've dreamed about on hold than so be it. If its real then its gonna happen regardless....
Wow! okay I think I'm done.. for now. This isn't directly pointed at anybody its just the way i feel lately. Ive been there for so many people and at this moment i really don't feel like any of them are in it with me and for me. They come around when they want or need something and fail to repay the favor. I'm tired of it. I have my own back because all the others have seemed to fail at it. I was told awhile ago to stop caring for everybody else beacuse when the tables are reversed you;; see who really cares. Well that statement is so true. Ive seen whos really here and who was as fake as the smile on their face! Step out of my shadow and people will see the truth.
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