So i wonder if everybody eats food when they get out of work. I mean i normally just have a bowl of cereal or lately I've been on an eggs and toast kick. So yummy!!And a glass of milk. Which is rare because i don't normally drink milk. As i sit here and half listen to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air i have been thinking about this date. June 22 2000. The day that changed me forever.
Now as time has passed i find myself looking back not with the anger that i have had. I was bitter towards alot of things. I was mad i didn't have my Dad anymore. Mad that he wasn't around anymore. Mad he wouldn't see me graduate high school. Get married and his grand kids wouldn't ever meet him. I just didn't understand why i lost him. I felt alone. Depressed.Sad I mean he was my hero. Superman to me. The man i wanted to be. And all of a sudden he was gone. I had no idea what i was suppose to do. Where to go. What would i do now? He had become my best friend after my Mom had passed away and now he was gone too. I was living with my brother after Dad passed away and i couldn't even stay at my house for longer than 15 minutes at a time. I would just sit in here and cry. I felt so empty without him. If it weren't for my cat Thunder i probably wouldn't have come over here at all. But little by little i was able to come over here more often. And spend more time with Thunder. I have always felt both my parents are still with me if not physically they are here in spirit.
I'm sure like most little boys my Dad taught me so much. I remember learning how to drive. Well i would sit in his lap steering the truck on a dirt road. Everyday i drive down that road i think about that. Then when i was big enough to push the gas pedal he would pull over and let me drive. I wouldn't shift though i was scared i would grind the gears! So i would push the clutch in and he would pull the shifter into second gear. I wasn't allowed to go over 15 miles an hour. But that didn't stop me from asking. And at the end of every drive i would always get told "Now bear don't tell your mom. She worries alot" I'm sure she would know by the smile on my face when we got home. She wasn't allowed to know that i was splitting wood either. Or using the chainsaw. No not by myself Dad would have his hands on mine teaching me how too use it properly. Normally though my job was to move brush and load the truck. My Dad loved the woods. He loved being outside in nature and he respected being out there. His cigarette butts always went into his back pocket.
Some of my favorite memories are of us fishing out back of the house. Man we would spend hours out there. There were very few things better than seeing the red and white bobber dunking under water the disapp[earing all the way. "Give it a little tug. Not to hard though if he doesn't have it you'll lose the fish" My Dad was amazing! He would help anybody he could. There are countless stories about him pulling cars out of the ditch on a winters day. I see that quality in both of my brothers. I like to think i have that quality too. Somewhere. I think I'm suppose to be feeling sad but looking back on memories i have a smile on my face. As i have said before my love for baseball comes from him. I use to collect cards. Sports cards such as baseball football etc.. I would look up the value of my cards because back then a card valued at two dollars was a big deal to me. I use to look up old cards he use to have. Mantle Gehrig Ted Williams the list goes on. Some of them were worth a serious amount. Baseball back then was great. I love seeing old footage from back then. It was just a different time and it seems so magical.Almost surreal.
Lately I've realized yes i am sad hes not here anymore but i am so glad to have memories that some people aren't fortunate to have. That's why this year I'm trying to stay upbeat about things. Even though theres a void that will never be filled. He wouldn't want me to be sad and hurting but that's what happens when we lose our hero's and the people we look up too the most. The word hero isn't enough to describe how much i admire him. Everyday i try to fulfill the shoes he left. Hes my motivation st work and in life all together. I don't have any words to express how much he will always mean to me and everyday i carry him in my heart and soul. I hope one day i will have a little boy to teach all the things i can too. And i hope he looks up to me like i look up to my Dad. Everyday i strive to be just like him. I know in my eyes ill never be as great as him but i continue to try. One of the greatest things my Dad would say to me was "Bear I'm proud of you. Thanks for being my son." I just hope he is still proud of me and i hope he knows i really am trying. Someday ill get this right. So on this date June 22 2012 i will try and celebrate the life of my Dad. No tears just smiles and laughter. So Dad thank you for being my hero and being my Dad. You are the most influential person in my world. Thank you for teaching me right from wrong. Thank you for these memories i hold so close to my heart and will treasure forever. Thank you for always having time to play catch or go fishing even though you were tired from work. I love you and miss you everyday. I'm so proud to call you Dad <3 Love always your partner and Bear and here even though the tears are flowing this ones for you :)
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