a somber day..

How can one tell how much a mother means to them? How can i sit here 19 years later and say how much i miss her? How much i love her? There really aren't any words to express the loss of a mother. Not just any mother. My mother. Obviously id do anything to have her back as anybody who knows the loss would. I try and now think about these anniversary but i know they  are here every year. And honestly i didn't realize it was already the 12th until i was at work last night. Which means 10 more days. So here i am doing one of the things i have a passion for and she always encouraged me to write whatever and whenever i could. So i know this wont do justice to the amazing woman i called mom but here we go.
   My mom was the best. She would always let friends spend the weekends with me. Play catch with the football. In fact we even had to retire a football because somehow we managed to put a hole in it that was un fixable.. That's so ironic too. Losing a parent is just that un fixable. Especially when it occurs at a young age. I was only 11. Man time really does have its way of flying. Now please don't think I'm writing this for sympathy or pity. I in no way shape or form want either in fact as time goes on and i get older I no longer feel the deep sorrow. Now let me clarify this statement. I love and miss my Mom and Dad dearly. My mom wouldn't want me loathing around in self pity of 'why me" And believe me i always wonder why this all has happened. But i like to think of my Mom as the amazing woman she was is and forever will be in my heart. As the anniversary sits here on my calender i like to think of it as not a time for mourning but as a time to celebrate her life.
   Yes  i have those moments where I'm overcome with grief and wanna cry for hours but that's natural. And a part of trying to heal something that will never heal. We use to play jeopardy and wheel of fortune all the time on my Nintendo. Yes old school Nintendo. I was never really good at jeopardy though. We would play games of pig. For those who don't know pig is a game played in basketball. Pretty much if i make a shot and you miss the same shot you would get a letter. Its a great game and we would play the best of seven. Unfortunately we haven't finished our last game yet but we will one day. I remember  one time playing catch with the baseball somehow she missed it and the ball smashed her in the mouth! Holy crap! I freaked out. Kept saying "Oh my god!!! Are you okay??"  she just kept saying "go get me ice!" I was just freaking out because i hit her with the baseball!! I didn't wanna go for ice i wanted to know she was okay.
   I use to have a cassette tape of us telling jokes. I have to see if i still have that. It'd be kinda hard to listen to but it'd be great to have. My mom was huge on my school and doing good in school. Use to drive me crazy sadly i should have listened to those famous words " Because I'm your mother and i know best" that use to really drive me crazy!! I somehow think she was right. As i look out my window i see the sun trying to peak through the clouds. It had been raining a little bit ago. But maybe it wont be a gloomy day after all. So many things i wanna say but my thoughts are jumbled right now. I suppose this happens when you cant find the words to describe somebody who is indescribable. I know everybody says their mom is the greatest and so I'm unoriginal in that department but in my heart i know she really was and she was an awesome mom. Funny, Smart and beautiful. I may never know why i was so young and didn't get the joys of growing up with my mom but in a small way i did grow up with her. Her memory helped shape who i am today. She still motivates me. Still makes me laugh and cry. Makes me want to better myself even if a small way. So today on this 19th anniversary of a tragic day in my life i smile. Even though i don't want to because it hurts for you mom i will smile. I love you and i miss you so much. Thank you for being the greatest mom in heaven or on earth. and the smile i promised :)