Work work work! And I'm glad to be back! Yes i really mean that. The week of was really nice. But by the end of it i was definitely ready to get back to the grind. I didn't get everything done but i didn't relax. This week has been nine and a half hour days. Which will make up for the lack of a paycheck this week.
This blog isn't me whining or complaining or anything like that just my thoughts. Ive been thinking about this lately and I'm gonna try and put it together in a pretty little blog. Ive noticed something about myself and about this life i live. If it isn't one thing it really is another. And at the end of the day i continue to push forward as only i know how too.I never really thought of myself as much of a fighter but didn't realize there is another type of fighting. It doesn't have to be a physical fight. Its a fight against the hands i get dealt. Don't get me wrong i have it better than some and I'm not saying i don't but man and i know we all go through this it seems like every time i get a footing i get knocked down again. In someway or another. i begin to think I'm on my way and something else comes along and sets me back. And what do i do? Fall further into the grasp looking up at the sky.
I wonder how the people who "made it" got where they are. Hard work? I work hard. I go to work everyday. The days i don't go i use a vacation day so its not like i just blow it off and just don't show. They frown on that. Yes i know from experience. But I've grown up. Maybe that's why it looks like I'm always mad. Its my fighting face, Because everyday I'm in a battle fighting the hands of fate. How does somebody start over? I mean yeah you can wake up and say " Its a new day time to start fresh" but, in reality yesterday's problems are still there. Yesterdays stress hasn't gone away just because its a new day. So how can i start over? How can i really legitimately wipe the slate clean and start over? Somebody please tell me. I would really like too. See i don't think you can. I think its a rebuilding process but its so hard to stay on course and rebuild to a fresh start. Even with a game plan and all the planning i still seem to fail at my plan. So what do i do? Start fresh everyday.
Somedays i wanna throw the towel in and say screw this.But I'm way better than that and it'll never ever happen. So i press on believing that tomorrow will be a better day and that i will figure out this life and figure out how to get on the right path. Still wanna know where to start or even how. If there was a point where i went wrong i know when and where it was. But i cant go back to change it. Its like i have dug myself a hole and its too deep now and I'm digging from the underground up. I keep saying i just need a break. Just a string of good luck. And all in the same breath i know i have it decent. Not perfect but its not the worst either. I had a good start on life but i kept using that as an excuse and not a reason to get a better start on life. Now that start came with the biggest sacrifice one could imagine. And i would have gave up the good start to have back what i lost. I was thinking about people today and the living they have. All the different jobs in the world. How did they learn the trade they do. What lead them to where they are, where they live, why they decided to be there. Yes i have alot of time to think at my job and i use it really well.
I think fear held me back from alot. Well mostly failure which is stupid as hell. I tell my friend Erik i wish back then i was who i am today. In the sense of not worrying about the little things. If i had the nerve that i have today. I can list the would have, could have, should have and its a mile long. I know boo who cry me a river. Yeah life's tough and I've had it easy and i blame myself for that. I took the easy road and too be completely honest i wish i hadn't. When i graduated high school i should have ran with it. I should have had this world by the balls. But i had to work and create a living for myself. I knew what i had too do and that was work. That's how i was raised. There was no time to stop. I had to support myself, So my option was too work. And now i cant stop. Hey i have to be good at something. I do love my job and i mean that. Some days its a pain in the foot but i enjoy it. I do however wanna kick my ass for just settling for things in the beginning of "my life" Some days id love to just pack up and go. Anywhere just go and find a new life but id miss this one alot. Probably too much. Not matter what i may find this is the life i chose and its the life i live. Would i trade it? Yeah some days but i think if i had my way id change things. Just small adjustments to improve it. Maybe with some hard work some way i will change the things i want and things will start working out in my favor. My next issue is where to start on the LIST of changes!? Well everyone thanks for reading sorry its been a few days. This blog really had to happen for my sake. I hope you enjoy it and maybe you can relate.
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